Why Do Guys Leave Women They Really Like?

Hey Claire,
This guy I’ve been seeing for a YEAR seemed to really like me, then out of the blue he totally disappeared. We had 3 dates one week (3!!) and the next week he was “too busy” to see me. After a month of unanswered calls, texts that were ignored, and a few drinking/swearing/crying jags with my gf’s, I finally realized he’s gone for good. But I WISH I knew WHY?? We were good in bed, we had fun together, and I would have sworn he really really liked me. Nothing was going wrong!!! Any ideas?  – Cammie

Hey Cammie, 

Good gawd, that hurts. And he was a douche for not behaving like a man and telling you straight up that he was leaving; instead he just slunk out like a rat, feeling absolutely no shame at his little boy behavior. (Well, he may have felt shame, but he certainly didn’t let it move him to do the right thing.)

There are multiple reasons men disappear on women they really like, and while I can’t say which one it was in your particular situation, Cammie, I can make a couple of good guesses…

1. Men leave women they adore because they fear the next step.
This is the main kind of situation you find happening when everything is going GREAT and then he suddenly disappears without a trace.

He got creeped out by his own enjoyment of the relationship, because he knows on some level that he doesn’t want to have a long term relationship, doesn’t want to head toward exclusivity, isn’t ready to commit to one woman.

And yes, it’s a wee bit insane, because it’s clear things are going well. Smashingly, even!

Guys aren’t always the Tony Stark type they imagine themselves in their minds; sometimes they’re naked little kittens who feel they’ve been left out on the doorstep in the cold. You’re better off without this guy, because he has some emotional growing left to do. You need a man who can stick with you through sun and snow, and he ain’t it. Better to know it now.

2. Men leave women they adore because they get fresh, hot offers.
This one stings a bit, but it’s nonetheless true: sometimes guys leave because they already know what their relationship with you is like, and they’re being petitioned by new women.

The new woman isn’t necessarily “hotter” than you are – but she is unknown, and thereforemysterious and intriguing to him. And since he doesn’t already “have” her, his chase mechanism kicks in and he’s off and running after her like an bank robber running for the border.

So what do you do about it?
It’s easy to develop a crazy fear that a guy will leave just when everything is going great. And that’s why you should NEVER decide that a particular man is “the one” until you knowexactly how he behaves in a situation like this.  He may not be at the same place you are when it comes to his willingness to commit. Therefore…

Don’t be exclusive until you are dating a man who is ready to be exclusive with you.
In other words, keep dating. Don’t let any single man believe you’re all his unless he has decided he’s going to be all yours, too.

Do be clear about your limited availability.
Don’t let a guy think you’ll wait around for him forever. Know your own timeline and find a way to communicate that with him in a calm, non-threatening way.

Something like this:

“Yeah, I broke it off with Nick because we dated for two years and I was pretty sure we weren’t going to ever become serious. I’m still looking for that man I want to build a life together with.”

Or:

“I probably wouldn’t date a guy for more than a year if I knew it wasn’t serious.”

Or:

“A year is plenty of time to find out whether or not one particular guy is going to be the one I’m willing to stop seeing other men for.”

Hang in there, Cammie! There are lots of men out there who will be thrilled to win a woman like you. Your ex has lost you for good, and eventually he may look back and see that he made a mistake in giving you up.

Hopefully he learns how to be a real man (and communicate directly with the women in his life), but meanwhile, you’re on to find a real man of your own. Best to you!

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You Experienced A Social Anxiety Attack?

Most people don’t know the difference between a social anxiety attack and a real panic attack.

In this article I will inform you on what the difference is between the two and I’ll also give you some advice on how to deal with, and overcome a social anxiety “attack”.

A Social Anxiety Attack

I was about 17 years old and was at a house party of one of my friends. She was about to leave the country for a long trip to a few countries in South America. Because of this it was one of those parties that, even though I wanted to, I definitely could not avoid…

It was the beginning of the party and I was trying to get drunk as soon as possible so I could feel a bit more at ease. We were standing outside the house in sort of a circle.

The subject of conversation went to sex. I wasn’t participating because I tried to avoid these conversations as I was still a virgin. But I couldn’t help but overhearing someone asking my friend if I was still a virgin.

To which my friend replied that she had to ask it to me personally…

People were watching and listening to the girl asking my friend about my (lack of) sexual experience and at the moment the girl turned to me and asked me if I was still a virgin.

All attention was on me…

That was when I experienced a social anxiety attack.

Which is basically a state of heightened anxiety and an adrenaline rush that accompanies it.

This heightened anxiety causes you to experience an abundance of

social anxiety symptoms and your mind “goes blank”.

Now a social anxiety attack feels really intense. And you want to get away from the situation as fast as possible.

This is where it is similar to a panic attack.

When you have a panic attack, you experience some of the same things as when you experience a social anxiety attack.

You have a very, very intense feeling of anxiety and you want to get away from the situation as fast as possible.

Where Social Anxiety Attack And Panic Attack Are Different

The big difference with experiencing a panic attack, is that you very strongly believe that the “attack” you experience means that there’s something physically wrong with you.

While when you experience a social anxiety “attack” you merely believe there’s something emotionally wrong with you. You fear becoming embarrassed and are overwhelmed by emotions. Emotions that you try to fight.

You might think “I’m panicking”, but you don’t believe you are going to die of physical ailments.

In a panic attack however, people fear that they are having a heart attack, that they’re about to lose all control, or that they’re turning crazy.

Some believe that because they can’t catch their breath they’re suffocating. Or that the dizziness and “unreal” feeling they experience means that they have a terrible undiagnosed illness.

These people with a panic attack are only imagining this however, because when they go to the hospital for check-ups they find that they are perfectly healthy. It is the anxiety in the panic attack that causes them to think like that.

So the big difference between a social anxiety attack and a panic attack is that the people that have a panic attack fear they have a physical, medical disease.

And when you have a social anxiety attack you don’t believe this. You just experience a lot of social anxiety symptoms and feel very intense anxiety.

My Advice For Dealing With A Social Anxiety Attack

It is difficult to give good advice for dealing with this.

What happens is your anxiety is extremely high. And techniques with releasing your emotions don’t work that fast when you are in the moment, experiencing a full-blown attack.

The best you can do is while you are having the attack is to accept that you are having it. Don’t fight it.

Fighting it makes you get entangled in all the emotions and negative thinking and makes the intensity of your anxiety stay for longer because you are “putting oil on the fire”.

Just try to breath deeply and tell yourself that it’s OK. Assure yourself that it’s just an intense emotion and that it will subside quickly.

Accept that where you are right now, having a social anxiety attack, is where you are right now. From here on you can work forward to solving your social anxiety.

The overall best advice I can give you is to get help in solving your social phobia. And to use all the techniques, mindsets, attitudes, advice and strategies on this site.

Work on overcoming your social phobia with all the power you have in you. Don’t give up until you have achieved your goal and it’s inevitable you will eventually reach your goal.

“When life knocks you down you have two choices- stay down or get up”

Tom Krausse

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